Simon Andrews – Joint Manager

Part-time comedian Simon Andrews was the founder member of 90s pop group ‘MN8’, before being sacked for giving more than the audience had bargained in a live recital of ‘I’ve got a little something for you’.  Since then, Simon has dedicated his life to tracing the ancestry of the Dad’s Army cast as well as devising cunning tactics for the Skew.  As vocal and influential on the field as off it, a key ingredient to success this season.

Chris Gregory – Joint Manager

A product of the Kelvin Gregory academy, brought up on a diet of football, Chris is an ambassador for the Skew and if it wasn’t for his plastic kneecap would probably be playing for Sandridge by now.  As with Si, his influence on and off the field cannot be underestimated, though given his recent finishing it probably should be.  On form, a key player for the Skew. 

Guy Davison – Goalkeeper

Not the best at dealing with corners, notably when they involve roundabouts and local pubs, experienced keeper Gus is truly committed to the cause and a valuable member of the Skew Bridge as a player and loyal supporter.  Superb shot stopper. 

Matt Lord – Goalkeeper

Having failed to cut it as a member of boy band ‘Blue’, baby faced Matthew has emerged as a naturally talented keeper and it is only a matter of time before he dons a Cech esq protective helmet to look the part.  Catlike Protector.

Dave Hay - Defender

Unfair comparisons to Meatloaf and Ray Mears do not paint a true picture of versatile Haybag who operates best on a mixture of fermented Beer and Vodbulls, most likely following a night out at G.A.Y. with Jonesy.  The Rock

Steve Jones - Defender

Stella positive, Sambuca negative, Steve’s curious blood type enables him, like Haybag, to endure a 10 hour marathon of sleaze and minimal sleep before pulling on his beloved Skew outfit.  A true Skew hero.  Petulant Defender.

Tony Golder - Defender

Dan Bathurst - Defender

Sometimes you think he’s David Ginola, sometime David Howells, whoever turns up you can guarantee passion and at least six Cruyf turns on the halfway line.  Playmaker.

Dan Rhodes - Defender

Whilst he doesn’t get the same attention as his Quiche baking uncle, Dan does in fact rustle up a rather nice Chicken Chorizo dish.  Away from the kitchen, Dan’s ageless energy and reliability have seen him retire from international football realizing his future lay away from the spotlight with the mighty skew.  Energetic wider player.

Patrick Davison - Defender

When he’s not commenting on a last minute winner from Hemel Tiger under 12s against Chorleywood for BBC Radio Hemel Hempstead, Pat is busy ploughing through warehouse workers on the pitch and proving himself to be a tough, consistent defender.  The Wall.

Sam Mitchell - Midfielder

Spurs fan and part-time magician Sam cites Stefan Freund and Jamie Clapham as his favorite two Spurs players but make no mistake, he has at least two skills up his sleeve and surpasses his hero’s in skill and vision (though unfortunately he has yet to master the shin-up).  Expect him to conjure up some Magic whether in midfield or up front.  Midfield Magician

Dan Abraham - Midfielder

Dane Bowers look-alike Danny has reluctantly overcome his fear of heading the ball (which ruined his carefully groomed Blazing Squad crew cut) and is now seen as a midfield enforcer.  With some solid performances last season, expectations are high.  Midfield general.

Patrick Knock - Midfielder

After a brief stint playing for Den Haag in Holland, Patrick decided to return to his native England. Preferring life away from the groupies and paparazzi which invaded his privacy, this versatile midfielder arrives in a cloud of mystery.  Mysterious Midfielder

James Hardy - Midfielder

With Peter Andre having let himself go – leaving no one rivals in the body art arena, and with bookings to act as Jon from S-Club-7s double drying up, Hardy has embarked on a transformation into the Slew’s engine room, providing tireless energy for the team and some eye candy for the ladies.  Engine Room

James Izzard - Midfielder

Izzard is......

Ollie Dawson - Midfielder

Despite the effects of hypnotism leaving Ollie to believe that, for the last 6 years he is actually left footed, Ollie has performed remarkably well and could have been England’s answer to the conundrum of a left-winger…..if he wasn’t so bloody lazy.  When he can be bothered he’s got a shot like a rocket.  Cultured Wide Player.

Phil Lythgoe - Striker

If it wasn’t for the fact he only took up heading the ball last season, comparisons with Peter Crouch may have been drawn.  At times it seems as if he has some ingenious magnet system involving his boots and the ball, though if this is the case then for the most games he fails to ensure the polarity is opposite.  On his day he can be a class player, just hope that day is today.  Goal machine.  

Adam Smith - Striker

Having worked his way up from grass roots football, Adam is perhaps the most modest of footballers at the Skew and is as proud as ever to don his favorite jersey each week.  With a blessed touch and a left foot that could probably find God, let alone a team mate 50 yards away, Adam can turn games faster than he can turn himself.  Playmaker and Goal machine.

Mark Hitchcock - Striker

If football was all about tackles, commitment, passion and aggression, Sparky would most likely be roasting the latest page 3 model with Joey Barton right now before fighting his manager.  Sadly it is not, though Sparky strikes fear into defenders and attackers alike and having discovered how to score in recent years, can play up front or in midfield.  Powerhouse.

Luke Firmin’s predictions

Most Goals:

C Gregory

Most Bookings:

M Hitchcock

Most Penalty Misses:

A Smith

Most Sleazy Sunday Morning Story:

D Hay/S Jones/ D Rhodes evens

Most Influential Non Players:

L Bathurst/E Sullivan  (get their other half’s off the beer and they might score)